Secret world under the bed

Helen S Rigby

When I was around 6 or 7 years old, my friend told me that she had a secret world under her bed, She would tell me all about it and how magical it was. I was so desperate to see it!

My imagination went crazy.
I imagined there would be unicorns playing around, endless amounts of sweets, chocolate fountains everywhere and care bears jumping around on clouds!

I couldn’t wait to get there! I knew this world that we were living in was a bit mundane.
I knew there had to be something more magical out there!

The only problem was, it needed a key.

My friend said that her brother had the key, her much older brother.

Every time I went round to visit this secret world under her bed, her brother was always out! Where was he!!!! What kind of a social life does a 13 year old have!
Why was he conveniently out every time I went round? He was doing it on purpose, I was sure!
Even saying it now still makes me mad! It just never happened, I never got to see it!

Now this was around the time/age that I’d asked my mum the truth about Santa.
It was the day after my 7th birthday, one week before Christmas I might add!
I’d said “Mum, some kids have been talking at school and doubting if Father Christmas really does exist?” , I added “I know you’re my mum and so you won’t lie to me, please tell me.”
A note to the reader… I would imagine that most 7 year olds would want you to keep lying to them until at least after their 7th Christmas!

My mum, however, felt so bad that a 7 year old had cornered her and so, through sheer panic, told me the truth, (throwing out the theory that she didn’t want to lie to me by the fact that I now knew that she’d been lying to me for 6 years anyway).

Now, if I calculate correctly, most children start enjoying the concept of Santa around 3 years old, so I had 4 magical Christmases, the rest were down hill from there. (Well okay, slightly dramatic! 🙂 )

I began to realise that the secret world under Rachel’s bed didn’t exist!
What a let down!

My whole life came crumbling down. I no longer had the privilege in believing in magic, I was robbed.

This probably set the tone for the rest of my growing up years. I was always trying to find 100% proof before believing anything, I did not want to be duped again! It was better to stick with the facts than dare to believe and be disappointed!
This probably led me to be an atheist!
Better to be miserable and right and in the know than a dreamer and wrong!

The magical spirit died inside me.

Until, at the age of 37, I was diagnosed with stage 4 non Hodgkin’s lymphoma, and started chemotherapy 3 hours later. Sorry to go from jovial to very serous there! But stick with me.. it gets better…

I’d always feared that I would get cancer as my dad died of an unknown primary after being diagnosed Christmas Eve 2009 ( I told you Christmases were downhill from there!) and passing away 7 weeks later.
His sister had also had cancer and died aged 48 and their sister died aged 9 from leukaemia, so I feared I would get it one day but thought I’d be at least in my 50s.

This blindsided me, I didn’t see it coming, and what got me through… hope…. Believing in the impossible.
Hello Universe, I need your help! ( I daren’t ask my mother for some harsh truths again!)
Side note… I have forgiven my mum, she is amazing and joking aside an enormous support. Love you really mum!

I had to reopen the door to imagination and creativity, we crave certainty but there is so much magic and wonder in the unknown, that is where incredible things can happen.
As cliche as it sounds, I had the key to the secret world all along! The images that I’d created in my head, the dream world that I was so excited to go to, really did exist!
I just had to learn that I was the source and I get to create my own life and my own rules.

We have a deeper human potential when we connect to who we really are, who we dare to be.
Our truth is what feels most scary to put out in to the world in fear of rejection or critique but it’s our gift, it’s our uniqueness and it’s our right to become who we have the potential to be.

Lying on the hospital bed, waiting for my lifeline, I had a huge awakening to what was important in life, what truly makes us happy… get out of your head and connect to your heart, the answers are there, they’ve been there all along.

It’s a miracle that any of us are here, against all odds, do we really want to just blend in & merely exist. It takes great courage to become who you truly want to be but you can do it, your truth will set you free.

We don’t need the external validation to validate our worth, we are worthy.
Reclaim the projection, reclaim the power. There is nothing wrong with you, you are worthy of love, you are worthy of your dreams and to live the life you want.
Go after it, it’s waiting for you.

We need a reminder sometimes of how precious life is, it’s okay to grieve and feel sadness for how we thought our life would be or where we thought we’d be right now but don’t let that get in the way of being surprised by life, looking around at what is right in front of you, right now, in this present moment.

Free yourself from the attachment to outcome, what if there is a greater plan and it turns out better than you could imagine. Look back on those times that were so tough, how do you feel about those events now? Where did the detour take you? Did it surprise you?

I used to look back and think the day I was diagnosed was one of the worst days of my life, but it was the first day of my recovery, it was the first day of my reclaimed life, it was the first day of putting myself first and it was the first day that I gave myself permission to live the life I’ve always wanted. I want you to know that you can do that too.